I asked for an angel and Vivian came to visit. She told me to write without thinking. So I am giving that a go.

Thing is, I should be on the road selling silk so that my business prospers. Nothing in my business is more difficult then getting my sorry ass out of the door. I have to dredge up the confidence, make appointments, put on special clothes, do my hair, organize the product, load up my car and hit the road. My cats hate it. They watch as the office turns into a disaster area while I sort into various sizes of display organizers, totes and baskets. When the car door opens and the totes start going inside, they get nervous. “Will this be a short day run or a trip down Island or is she going to abandon us for weeks?”

The nice part is thinking of the customers that I enjoy visiting. Many of them look forward to seeing the brilliant colours and styles that will be going on their racks. Some of them pick out a few things for their own wardrobes. I have gotten to know some of the buyers over the years and enjoy hearing about what is up for them in their lives. We talk about the ups and downs of business, our families, our loves and often our learnings. Usually I learn a lot from them. There is a connectedness most of the time. But it is still selling and I approach it with such resistance.

So what is the resistance about? Over the last year it has definitely been about the lousy economy and the cautiousness that buyers have had to apply to their buying. Sometimes it is about, will they like the stuff enough to buy it. Will they buy enough to keep this business going? Will their customers like it enough to buy it? I get anxious when I see old product hanging around their shelves. Finding beautiful things that work for customers is both an art and a science. Trends and tastes change in a heartbeat.

I don’t want to discover that I have made stupid purchasing decisions. Sometimes the anxiety start to worm it’s way around my stomach, into my chest and throat when insensitive comments are made. “Oh, that is a horrible colour” or “I don’t like this or that” and other variations on the same theme. Then I take the same product to another store and they want that colour and love it this way or that. Ah, people are so fickle and so fine at the same time. I wish I could just relax into their quirks and worries and trust that all is well. Some days I can and those days are shiny! I love them.

Sometimes it is about selling myself and my values. I don’t want to ingratiate myself for the sake of a sale. I don’t want to be anyone but myself. I don’t want to invest a fortune in a wardrobe. This is tricky terrain as I need the sales but I need to stick with my integrity more. There are stores full of books on dressing for success, business books on how to sell and a ton of “how to” guides. Some of them get me all pumped to go but there is always something missing. I don’t want customers to buy things from me that they don’t want. That is not why I am in business.

Some days I am feeling small and less interested in putting up with others.  Especially difficult are the days when I desperately wish that more people understood fair trade values. It is hard to watch buyers who only see the beauty or the sales values embedded in the product. This is where my “Pollyanna” has to go underground and remember that every sale is good for my producers in Cambodia. It really doesn’t matter if the buyer understands fair trade or not. Or does it?

My heart says it matters. It has to matter that some of us have way more than we can ever use, while others don’t have food to eat. It matters when some four year old children are sold into sexual slavery while others are being put into too many activities to “prepare” them for life. I guess when it comes down to it I worry that conscious consumption isn’t going to be enough. My ego tells me that I should be doing something else more important. For now I think I will hit the appointment list and thank the Goddess for Vivian.< >< ><–>